My Advice To Married Couples After Divorcing My Wife Of 16 Years By Gerald Rogers.

23 08 2013

My Advice To Married Couples After Divorcing My Wife   Of 16 Years By Gerald Rogers.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

(From the Editor: We wish  to thank Joachim Cabanyes for sending it  to us for publication,   Joachim Cabanyes is an honorary member of Authors-choice blog.)



673 responses

4 10 2015

Real talk for real men

3 10 2015

Wow, this is so true. What is so unfortunate is so many men are not taught as liitle boys how to love, appreciate not only themselves, but lack of examples in the home from mom and dad. 16 years is a long time to be with someone and then gone! We fon’t have time to waste!

1 10 2015

Great I feel you. Love is a wonderful thing if men only felt like this article.

30 09 2015

This is the best advice I have read in a long long time.

30 09 2015

Thanks for your comment, Elaine. Yes it is an advice worth its weight in gold.

20 09 2015

so true

15 09 2015

I’m going thru this right now my wife was my gf of 5 years and I was a jerk I cheated a lot but once we got married I changed I did none of that stuff but I’m still not that gushy lovie dovie guy we get into a lot of fights about me not being a family dad it’s only cause I never had one and I just don’t kno how to adapt I resent a lot of stuff and often wish I were single not for the women but it’s just what I’m used of I hate that cause I kno it’s selfish I need to work on me before this goes the opposite direction the big thing is I feel she thinks about the old days when things were bad and that upsets me and makes me want to give up on this

18 08 2015

I think it’s so sad how men always tend to have hindsight!! So now since he’s had such a revelation, he gets to go use all that he’s learned on another woman. I just pray that the ex-wife of 16 years, who had to deal with the once uneducated man of his pass, gets a BLESSING and marries a man that already knows how to treat a woman and who knows what a REAL marriage is all about!! I’m sure she doesn’t have another 16 years to wait!!

11 08 2015
Vicky Sadhu

Beautifully written, nice read, though looks like some women wrote it ;)

4 08 2015

mwn often forget to do the same as they did when they first laid eyes on there wife and did everything they could for her. when the wife says yes then years later the man forget how much she is worth and not listen like they use to

29 07 2015

I too was married for 16 years I also beat myself up like you do. You know what. I do not miss her. I wondered why I ever married her? It is not that you fell out of love with her. She got tired fed up bored its life.

14 07 2015
Karen Bijole

I really enjoyed reading it an I will share thank you

10 07 2015
Eric Gaillard

If a man has to do all of this to keep his woman; then he should not marry. This is not love, this is martyrdom. There is One and only One rule: make your woman your best friend!

10 07 2015
Mox Girl

Reblogged this on Moxxi Girl.

5 07 2015

This advice is for women as well.

4 07 2015

I truly feel sorry for this man. He makes good points in his list, but I sounds as if he blames himself fully for the split.

2 07 2015

Wow! I’d like to know how wonderful she was! Did she give you as much as what you’ve posted here? It’s hard for me to believe that one man can exhibit this much love all the time!! I’m sorry dude but I can’t be blinded by your story. This is a great list but nobody’s perfect! Now if you tell me that you never did any of these things, ok, yes I could understand your pain. However for her to marry you in the first place lets me know that you did. I hope that you find peace! Thank you for sharing and listening to my opinion.

1 07 2015

U rock! And u r right on point.

These words ring true for families too!

1 07 2015

Great advice. I left my husband after 20 years of wanting…needing… exactly what is described in this article. However, there are obviously things a husband needs as well… 1. Easy access to the remote
2. No concrete duties in child rearing.
3. The world to revolve around him.
4. A comfy recliner.
5. Beer
Clearly, I jest. We’ve been divorced for 2 years now & I’m just coming out of the fog. I spent so much-too much-energy catering to his needs that I neglected taking care of ME causing irreparable damage to my health. This article expresses most of what I tried to communicate throughout our marriage, right up to the very end. I’m going to save it in the unlikely event that I ever fall In love/marry again.

30 06 2015

Too late mine left me and kids 12yrs ago. I did everything but her family squeezed everything out of her. She blamed me for not protecting her from them yet I used to complain about it to stop. She said, “that was her family”. I looked after the kids. Oldest has just scored an A grade to enter university. The second doing quite well too.I promised myself not to marry and look after them. Many years later she wants to come back. What do I do Am not married. I have not seen her for many years after abandoning us.

30 06 2015

Great, you did very well to look after your children, Sir, you did well. I am happy your effort is yielding fruits and the kids are doing very well. Thank God. Well, what do you do when someone suffering from a temporary illness recovers? Welcome her with open arms, that’s what. Remember your promise: to love her for better or for worse. Your wife may be unfaithful, but not you. You are faithful, no one can take that away from you. So, be faithful and receive the mother of your children back with open arms and may God bless you.

26 06 2015

I love this advice, I am on the edge of divorce this may help. Thank you.

26 06 2015

Hi, thank you for dropping us a word. If this article has helped you in any way, then we are truly happy for that is our mission. Cheers

24 06 2015

This is absolutely vital and great info for men and women. This along with having a willingness to get help in the relationship from a trained therapist and reading. I don’t know a lot of men who read. Just my thoughts.

21 06 2015

Wow so profound and it is because i was truly open.

14 06 2015
Terri cox

I love reading this cause it hit home I’m still in a marriage of 15yrs but separated and we still strongly love each other but don’t know how to live with each other and reading this help me to understand him and me as a women side of things thanks for sharing this we both and learn something from this. Sign Terri and Jamarl Moore. Willing to try something new.

13 06 2015
Seretha Augustine

One last try before I really let go!

10 06 2015

Reblogged this on mercreations and commented:
Sadly,it takes a loss to learn the lessons,let us take up and rebuild our marriages and relationships before its too late.

9 06 2015

Well said zi

9 06 2015

I believe he is saying, he was at fault for the breakdown of his marriage. It does not take two to break a marriage. It takes two to keep it together.

8 06 2015

What a lovely feminist write-up, the truth is that Love, marriage or relationship should not be a one-sided issue, both parties should be ready and willing to make it work. It takes two to make a better decision, to have the best in life you should quit looking for who will accept you with your unrepentance ego, pride and short-comings rather you should first and foremost make yourself a better person and impact positively on the lives around you, including that of your spouse/partner for a successful marriage or Home.

8 06 2015
ojuari suleiman

What if a man is good husband in every sense but unexpectedly discovered that his wife sleep around

8 06 2015


8 06 2015
Dolayne Schraden

Beautiful… and it goes both ways. The woman has to do the exact same thing or she loses as well.

7 06 2015

I wish all men knew this!

7 06 2015

Thank you for your insight. This was so eye opening. I am a single mother of three. Independent is not the word I would use to describe me. I would say survivor. Relationships have been touché for me because of something to stated so profoundly. I understand more fully why I did not marry or have not gotten married yet. Numbers 1,8,6, 11, 14, and 20 were my love languages. I learned that from marriage counseling.
Those things are hard to get some men to invest in because of so many different variables. One thing for sure, men exhibit whether a man taught him How to treat a woman and whether the example was not there. Some get it and some do not. I would get so frustrated. So I chilled for a while and took a mental break to work on me. Maybe it was me. These are definitely some notes that women need to look at and see where some development and implementation needs to apply. I analyzed myself while reading each one.
This is a great conversation piece for people who thinking about getting married, are married and on the edge of divorce.

7 06 2015

Thanks Shir for dropping us a line. You are a very strong woman and very kind. Your understanding and forgiving love for the men in your life touches me deeply. I am sure your children will turn out great having a mother like you. God bless you

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