My Advice To Married Couples After Divorcing My Wife Of 16 Years By Gerald Rogers.

23 08 2013

My Advice To Married Couples After Divorcing My Wife   Of 16 Years By Gerald Rogers.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

(From the Editor: We wish  to thank Joachim Cabanyes for sending it  to us for publication,   Joachim Cabanyes is an honorary member of Authors-choice blog.)


Actions

Information

846 responses

22 12 2015
Takeisha Reed

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!!!! I really needed to read this!!!

22 12 2015
Editor

Thanks for writing in Takeisha Reed, we are here to serve you, and if there is anything we can do to make your life better, it would be our pleasure. We are glad you liked the article and if it helps strengthen you love life we are fulfilled!

19 12 2015
CAL

Excellent advice. Many marriage specialist have written this same advice over the years in books yet as newlyweds very few read it and even fewer yet take it to heart. I do know that I could have been better at several of these areas but only after my divorce did I recognize my part. With that said though there is no guarantee that my relationship would have survived as marriage, just like divorce, is a choice. It requires commitment on both parties behalf in order to survive. So if you are headed to divorce, understand you have only the ability to make the choices as what was laid out as you have no control what your spouse does. Love, grace and forgiveness are the 3 elements of a successful marriage.

19 12 2015
Editor

Hello Cal, thanks for your comment, you make a good point that many people often miss. “You have no control over what your spouse does” When people understand this, many will be happier in relationship. We can only control our own self, not the other person. Letting our happiness depend on what others do is pitiful, even if they be husbands or spouses. If you want him to buy you flower, buy him flower. If you want him to control his temper, control yourself, if you want him, give him yourself, love, serve pray, be first to apologize. Expect nothing, and be pleasantly surprised when he does well. This is the secret , hard to practise and even harder to understand, but it works

20 12 2015
Anonymous

5, 6, and 7 equals 39 years……entering a second marriage I had to get these done first…

18 12 2015
Anonymous

Well said some people don’t take there vows to heart, don’t do it if u don’t mean it.

19 12 2015
Editor

Thanks a lot for writing in, but life is never as simple as that. While you are quite right that many insincere people make promises they had no intention of keeping, but there others who resolved to keep theirs, but “insurmountable” difficulties that shattered this resolve. Still, I agree with you, where there is a will, there has to be a way. Sadly, for marriage , two wills make a way

16 12 2015
Oscar

Your description is not about everyone. Some wives are giving; some are selfish and nasty. My wife (soon she’ll be a former wife) stopped being giving suddenly.

She was an incredibly giving person. Then our daughter died. I was shattered, but able to stand up. She became a monster. I became someone to attack until I learned that if I never mentioned our deceased daughter’s name, I wouldn’t get yelled at (try doing something like probate court, and not being able to tell your wife about it). Before that, I had been exploded at as I ran our daughter’s funeral (not much fun, by the way) for repeating to her what the police, coroner, her priest, and the funeral director told me, as well as for rather innocuous comments such as asking her mother if she had had a good night’s sleep.

There was never a kind word about my relationship with my daughter in the final three years before she left in an explosive rage, leaving me behind with the surviving kids.

16 12 2015
Anonymous

This must be very difficult on both of you. Sounds like she is having a very difficult time with the loss, & is grieving in her own way. Hope both of you can find the healing you need.

16 12 2015
Editor

Dear Mr. Oscar, thanks for writing in and sharing your story with us. Goes without saying that marriage is a two way thing where each party must make the effort to be selfless and help make it work. Please be patient and do not make rash moves. At times all it take is to sit down and talk things over and thing will work themselves out.

16 12 2015
debby

Does it SOUND like “sit down and talk things over and things will work themselves out” has been working for him? This sounds very much like she is lost in grieving and for some reason, thinks he is to blame for their daughters death. She needs professional help to help her through this very dark valley. But her problem is NOT her husband and he should not feel that in some way he is not “cooperating” or he is “being rash.” There certainly is hope for them but ONLY if she is willing to get help. This is not a situation he can take care of by “sitting down and talking” to an irrational, grieving person. Having said that, my prayer is that he is able and willing to give her the time she needs, even if that means he is away from her for his own health and welfare.

15 12 2015
Deeply Hurt!

This is a man’s world!
A man that washes dishes, mops the floors, takes out the trash, vacuums the rugs, buys the flowers and puts them in the vase, mows the law and trims the bushes, paints the house and then, waters the garden. Gives me kisses when I say leave me alone, cooks my dinner before I get home, makes the bed even when he knows no one will be home, makes his own to do list and anticipates my needs, this is the kind of man I have, a manly man who can go to the mall with me, even if he does sit on the bench, but when asked will say it looks nice babe—get that one, a manly man who wants to know how my day went and wants to know if he made me happy—a manly man, my kind of man.

Opposite:
This same man has a whole other side to him. Drinks too much. Insults you when he has an audience. Leaves you in the park or on the street. Curses you out in public. Everything in every situation is always about him. He is the center of his world. TOLERATES your kids even though they have known him all their lives. Puts you down in front of others. Tells you to be quiet or shushes you when he doesn’t want you to talk. Puts everyone elses’ needs before yours but never before his own. Dictates what you will and won’t do in the relationship. Buys nice expensive gifts for himself and only buys you a gift once a year on Christmas and this is only because he expects a gift in return. Talks to you like a dog when he has an audience then blames it on his anger. Easy to anger even when not provoked. Takes pleasure in belittling and embarrassing you. Thinks your relationship is meant only to serve his needs and his needs only. Treats some of your friends with disrespect because they are your friends. Treats your children like they are a negative product of you and he would rather do without them. Holds a grudge against you and your children for unreasonable justifications. Anyone you have a disagreement with he is always on the other person’s side and in their corner. When people try to make positive comments about you to him he always finds something negative to say in response. Throws you out his car just because. Seems to get easily angered only around your family and friends not his. Tells you and your child can get out his house, even though you own half. Wants you to enjoy all his activities and takes no interest in any activity you have or want to have. Starts drinking before you go out and continues throughout the night, when you ask for the car keys he is belligerent, nasty, hateful, and still refuses to give you the keys. And last but not least NEVER EVER accepts RESPONSIBILITY for any of his actions-he’s always working on it.

15 12 2015
Editor

Whaow! Deeply Hurt, you must be deeply hurt. Sharing your pains is the beginning of true healing. Men need to learn how to be good lovers, husbands , fathers and spouses. If people spend years in College learning to be a doctor or engineer? Why it is more important to be a good husband than a good mechanic. If being a good machinist does not come with mother’s milk, why do we expect people to be born with skills of an excellent spouse? Every man needs to learn the “art” and “science” loving

15 12 2015
kathryn

I love # 8 and # 20

15 12 2015
Anonymous

This article is a little one sided!

15 12 2015
debby

Because it is written from ONE person’s perspective that by definition can only BE one-sided. It doesnt mean the author doesnt understand that there IS another side and probably clearly understands this, however, he is taking responsibilty and accountability for what HE can control and change, which is himself.

14 12 2015
Olga Consolacion

Yes its true I stayed to my husband for 33 years no matter what it takes a lot of understanding, love and always remember your marriage bows

14 12 2015
Editor

Thanks, Olga, you said it all. The marriage vows, ” Till death do us part” could be the only light when darkness descends, that guides and keep us from falling into the pit. Calling and recalling it to mind gives strength that will eventually dispel darkness and return us to sunshine. Patience and prayer is the key to holding on.

14 12 2015
debby

Olga mentioned the marriage vows and someone reiterated, “Til death do us part” but I want to clarify that when abuse is consistently present, If you are the victim and have done everything you know to do and still abuse continues, I encourage you to remember what the vows “til death do us part” ARE: to love, honor and cherish. When abuse is present, your spouse is NOT keeping his or her vows. I am not advocating divorce be the first option (of COURSE you cannot “be happy” in the presence of abuse, who would be?!) but I am telling you that there is a difference between forgiveness and fellwoship. Forgiveness is what we are called to do because Jesus paid OUR price, but fellowship, whether it is with you marriage spouse or friend, or parent, or child, etc. implies that the other person is working just as hard to be in fellwoship and peace with YOU. It is NOT a one-way street so separating may be a necessity. I dont want to leave abuse victims with yet another guilt trip that somehow they can make abuse go away by “trying harder.” REad up on the dynamics of abuse before you take any advice from those who have not experienced it. Abuse is not a MARRIAGE problem, it is a control problem so adhering to marraige advice will not alleviate abuse. In fact, continuing to ALLOW someone, anyone, spouse or other, to abuse you is making God an accomplice to sin He has a LOT to say about what to do about an “angry man (or person)” and none of it entails “taking it.”. I spent 28 years in an abusive marriage, “trying harder” every single day. I separated for a year and in my case, my husband got the message and we have, for the first time, a REAL marriage, not just in name. It does not always (and in fact, rarely) work like this, because abuse comes from an entitlement mentality, and that is very hard for someone to change who thinks they are entitled to do what they do. But, with God’s grace and intervention, it is certainly possible. Do NOT take the responsibilty for the abuse of your spouse on your shoulders. Their actions are NOT your fault, although they will work very hard to abuse and then get you to believe it is your fault. Get educated and God will show you what to do. Blessings to you!

12 12 2015
Bonne Hall

I commend you for sharing your past travails in your previous marriage. I too have felt that awful pain. I concur with your various sentiments on how to keep that special space in one’s heart only for your wife. Overall, all 20 points are quite poignant(2). Nevertheless, I’m left failing because you didn’t include the author or ultimate authority on marriage in your reccommendations.
I believe Jehovah God instituted marriage and gave us the pathway to a lifetime of love, happiness and peace in our marriage. Recall God said the two would become one, by loving and caring for each other, For instance at Ecle.4:12
it shares, “Though one May be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A Cord of three strands is not quickly broken”.
My brother May I restate I appreciate you sharing and being open with us. Your words are very revealing and TRUE.

29 11 2015
Yvonne W

Im currently in the process of divorcing my husband and it pains me that I have done every step and continued to do so but my husband has allowed his self to start allowing his feelings to grow for another woman and has stopped doing these steps to me. It hurts me but hey i cant hang on to someone who wants to be with another woman especially since i have given him space and then came back try to talk about whats wrong. Unfortunately he doesnt want to get a divorce but also dont want to talk to me or be around me so im confused and dont understand why he dont want a divorce but still likes talking to the woman and not talking to me. I have lost hope and im still moving forward with a divorce.

29 11 2015
Anonymous

Thanks for this. My wife is divorcing me. I wish I would have read this as well as so many other things

29 11 2015
olanike alabi .

How I wish somebody very close to me can learn from dis, and brake his ego and get United with his wife.

23 11 2015
Marie Christian

Thank you how can I get this printed off thank you

20 11 2015
Rizo

This is great and all but these advises should not just be for the husband, wives must understand their husbands too. Women who reads this must apply the same to themselves. Marriage is a shared journey it is like a plant nurtured by both sun and water. It cannot exist without one or the other. Yin and Yang. When the sun sets the moon rises to take his place, lose one and darkness creeps in to dominate. Too often couples focuses and splurge on the one day grand wedding and forgets they are entering a marriage contract that expires on “til death do us part”. When the infatuation ends so does the fairytale.

20 11 2015
Editor

Hi Rizo, your words are deep, filled with hidden gold nuggets. Thanks

18 11 2015
Balance

im 29 and in a relationship for 10 years. While your article is inspiring and does have solid points, other points are just down right depressing. More something out of a movie. however, you said it, “Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert”. Nothing is suppose to last forever, no matter how good and perfect it is; not even a good life.

You shouldn’t enter into a relationship with ideas of how it’s going to end, but hey, its going to end one way or another so once there is balance, it will last as long as it is supposed to. When it is done, the aim is to leave each other standing on as best grounds as possible and move “forward”. We don’t appreciate love without hate, day without night, happiness without sadness; point: “Balance”.

18 11 2015
Editor

Dear Balance, you are a philosopher! Don’t be depressed, It so happens that when we are challenged to give our best, we end up giving more. Greatness is to challenge people beyond what they think they can do. This is the way geniuses are molded. You have it in you. You can be a great lover, greater than the greatest. Don’t let yourself down. Don’t crawl like a worm when you can sower like an Eagle towards the Sun.

11 11 2015
Karen

Well written from a man’s heart & perspective.

11 11 2015
Eve

Wonderful article,
I have found that forgiveness is the key to healing after experiencing the pains of divorce.
Thanks for sharing.

10 11 2015
Lalonni hilburn

I would love for someone to love, and think of me that way.I am a lot of all of that, and I want that for myself.

10 11 2015
Meli Mel

Reblogged this on Mizi Lidé and commented:
Very thought provoking

10 11 2015
Carolyn

To shed a little light on the flip side…. Ladies, our deep desire to feel loved – unconditionally -is matched by his deep desire to feel respected – unconditionally. You don’t want to continually have to earn his love, don’t demand that he continually earn your respect. (For you singles out there, don’t marry a man you can’t respect “until death do us part.” If he has anger issues, is lazy or has an addictive personality – rethink your relationship. )

18 12 2015
Tmac

Preach! The Bible tells you. Wives want to be loved, Husbands want to be respected.

18 12 2015
debby

Tmac, the Bible does NOT teach that “wives want to be loved, Husbands want to be respected.” It gives a directive to each, first to the husband to “love your wife as Christ loved the church” and then to the wife “wives, see to it that you respect your husband” so this does not negate that EACH of us, regardless of gender should be receiving BOTH of these very important gifts, and instead seems to focus on the difficulty or predilection of each gender has to give what is more difficult for each to give. It is a call to action, reminding each to give what we may not give naturally or comfortably becuase of our gender, but it is NOT saying that each gender needs one of these more or can do without both.

18 12 2015
debby

Tmac, the Bible does NOT say “wives want to be loved” and “husbands want to be respected.” Instead, it gives a directive to the opposite gender, first to the husband “husbands, love your wives as christ loved the church and gave himself for it (love is patient, love is kind, love is…) and to the wife “wives, see that you respect your husband.” This does not negate or dispel our need for BOTH of these gifts, but rather seems to give a directive to each that perhaps, based on our God-given differences, these would be the things that each gender has more trouble “giving.” We are all human, and all humans need love and respect.

19 12 2015
Editor

Thanks Debby, here is the full scripture text: ” 21 Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church; 33 however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Ephesians 5:21-33

9 11 2015
julia

i cant help but wonder why most men take women who loves them dearly, for granted. i so wish men do take this goldern advise, the world would be a better place.

9 11 2015
Mary

I loved reading Gerald Roger’s article, I was married for 28 years to the man I thought was my soul mate. We went to grade school together and I prayed that he would be my husband and after we grew older and went in different directions I continue to pray for him to be my husband. A couple of days before my 19th birthday he saw me and followed me a year later we were married. I wasn’t perfect and neither was he but I loved him unconditionally until he broke my heart. Fast forward we divorce when I was 48 , I’m now 54 and just now able to love myself. I still love him and I pray that one day he understands the impact he had on my life. I learned that I must move on and take care of myself. I’m not sure if I want to marry again but I do want the one person who will love me unconditionally.

9 11 2015
Editor

Sad story Mary, thanks for sharing. A good lesson for us too; all that glitters is not gold; nothing is permanent here on earth and, lastly, there are no friends who will never let you down. We love you sweetheart, Even if you never marry again, we will always love you, unconditionally! And thanks for forgiving the man that broke your heart. You are a hero.

2 11 2015
Neophile

Too often there is not a voice or perspective for the man. So this is refreshing to see that someone has spoken on our behalf. I don’t think men are oblivious to what we should do, the question is, “Do we think it will make a difference?” Is a women ready/willing/able to receive that love and those efforts? So in a way you have to be willing to love recklessly…Without regard for your own self or well-being. Too many people are guarded…including men. Especially men…because if we are hurt…show hurt..or express pain…we are considered weak.

2 11 2015
Editor

Thanks for this comment, Mr. Neophile. This is a very contentious issue. Ladies; let someone among you reassure this man and all men for that matter that a good woman would never call a man weak because he shows hurt or expresses his pain.

8 11 2015
Marie

There is no harm in trying, Dear

26 10 2015
Goldrose Adebola

Reblogged this on Goldrose Adebola's Blog and commented:
This is E P I C!! had to share! pretty long but very informative! You should read it!

26 10 2015
Tina

My husband and I have been married over 35 years. He has not been the man described in the above advise. He was an alcoholic and adulterer, and just plain unloving. If it were not for Christ, and the power He has given me to forgive, we would have divorced. I nearly died two years ago, which was a wake up call for my husband. He is making changes. I have not been the very best wife I could have been. He kept doing things that hurt me, and that’s where I put my focus. It is our sin and selfishness (or focus on self) that causes problems in marriage. I believe our best years are ahead of us. After my illness, I feel like we have a second chance at getting things right. It is only by God’s grace that any of us manage to stay married and be happy in it. Marriage was created by God, and it takes Him, inside that relationship, for it to work.

26 10 2015
Editor

Hello, Tina, thanks for sharing your story with us. Your truthfulness and sincerity in humbly accepting your own mistakes touches me a lot. Thanks for teaching us never to accuse anyone without realizing our own mistakes. To err is human, but to forgive is divine. You have shown us a divine example by forgiving and loving someone who has hurt you so. May we all learn from your example. This is what true love really is. May God bless you

3 11 2015
Silvia Leigh

I am blessed to read your testimony. Your words speak to my spirit. Grace is greater than sin. God bless you Tina!

25 10 2015
Rhonda

Thanks for sharing this. I’ve never been married but hope to one day find a great love like this. A working, loving, communicative relationship. I am ready to give and receive.

24 10 2015
David Kpevai

Very educative and inspiring. I have been in marriage for 23 years now. My wife and I are still together. Is only now I am learning all thse. But the fact remains that I have practised most of these unconciousely. God has been my helper. Thank you so much. This will now strengthen our marriage

24 10 2015
smart

I think I like this. ..

24 10 2015
Terry

These are wise words… Simply put find someone who inspires you to be better than you are without them…Life, jobs, anything you do because you are inspired to do it doesn’t feel like work even though it is….

23 10 2015
Editor

Extreme selfishness has been described as one of the major enemies of married love Read, Selfish Spouse

22 10 2015
Editor

No man can be a good citizen who is not a good husband and a good father, who is not honest in his dealings with other men and women, faithful to his friends and fearless in the presence of his foes. Exactly as no amount of attention to civil duties will save a nation if the domestic life is undermined….THEODORE ROOSEVELT

22 10 2015
Carnatic

A man married to a giving and wise woman should be wise and generous enough to see her for what she is. And vice-versa! In the cases that it doesn’t happen, it is most unfortunate. But such is life!

Great piece, btw.

21 10 2015
sriharsha

The author was talking about his experience and he was pointing out to those people who fall under his example of ignoring their loved ones and being lazy in love. Of course it should be mutual always. We need not speak it out loud, its tacit. For all the burden and sacrifices women make we can be little lenient always, we can love a little more and there is no harm in it, We can make them laugh always and yes, do remember that you too laugh when they laugh at your intentionally funny acts. “Give and take policy” is good with commodities but not in love. If you truly love some one , you just love them and you dont expect any. We all love our parents, have you ever thought whether they would do the same for us! No, we dont. We know that they love us. Same way with our wives. And one more thing, our parents havent come with us but this little girl who had parents just like we do has come with us all the way believing in us. So dont ever let her down. Be like a man and protect her, love her and be with her for ever. this should be the definition of MAN

21 10 2015
Anonymous

Awesome! Perfectly put in every way. Thank you very much, dear brother.

23 10 2015
Anonymous

Cheers, spot on !

24 10 2015
Anonymous

At what point do we realize it’s a two street. I think the point many of you are over looking is a man deserves all that a woman does. It’s happiness. This post that many of you are raving over lacks the defining point of “us”. Your wife took a vow before God too. It’s a two person job to make the marriage work. While I’m going to assume all that are praising this entry are females, you are not being fair to look if what you do make him happy. The entry states “it’s not her job to make you happy” that’s ridiculous. It’s not one sided joy. To the author you are leaving the unity out and for that your post seems to be misguided. It’s a team effort not one person. It’s takes two and you choose each other.

27 10 2015
Anonymous

absolutely true, anonymous!…its crazy to believe that in a “MARRIAGE” only one partner has to think of it all!…the author seems to have seen things ONLY from one perspective! :)

1 11 2015
Sigh

Yes. His own. Which we should be grateful that he had the courage to share. God only knows who needed that message.
Read.
Extract what you need.
Move on.
Criticism? Unwarranted.

1 11 2015
mamajosh1

Finally….. everything the what-about-the-woman throng seem so desperate to block out… as concisely put as even a shouting, biased person can manage to absorb, hopefully. 👍🏾👍🏾Ten thumbs up 👍🏾👍🏾 And perfect tag, btw… LOL I echo the sigh. 😄

1 11 2015
mamajosh1

What other perspective *can* one give but one’s own? Ultimately, we can only control ourselves. And although we are not responsible for what the other person does, we *are* responsible for whatever WE do.

2 11 2015
Editor

You put it well, mamajosh1, thanks. Brilliant!

27 10 2015
The One

VERY WELL SAID ANONYMOUS. I was thinking the same thing after reading this. Us Men have needs also. WE must be happy not just the wife.

1 11 2015
Sigh

Help me… Where did you read that he indicated such? I must’ve missed it.

20 10 2015
Amanda

Good read

20 10 2015
Michelle

I think it’s just as easy (from a wife’s perspective) to replace the words “her” with “him.” Cherish him. Be grateful to have such an amazing man as your husband. Make him laugh. I hope the women who read through this flipped the perspective on making their man just as happy and being just as grateful instead of thinking “Yeah! He should treat me like this!” No matter the situation, love him and he’ll love you.

20 10 2015
Editor

Dear Michelle, that’s a lovely way of putting it. When you love, it is very likely you will be loved back. Whatsoever you wish that men do unto you, do it to them first. Beautiful

20 10 2015
Anonymous

You are absolutely right

20 10 2015
Mary L Riley

Great advice. Encourage this message to a lot of my friends and family

19 10 2015
Winnie

I really wish somebody would have told this to my husband because after being with him 15 years married to him 10 years he just took me completely for granite and he walked out on his kid we have a sick child and everything else and he doesn’t care and its crazy

20 10 2015
Editor

Dear Winnie, you are a strong woman, thanks for sharing your story with us, I am deeply sorry about your husband. It is cruelly wrong for a man to walk out on his wife and sick child. Why people are so shameless is a mystery. Still, I am happy you stayed by your child’s side. Your children are lucky to have such a strong mother. Keep up, the Sun will shine his blessing on you, and your children will grow and wipe all the tears from your eyes. Keep up and never give up.

21 10 2015
Janet

“After being with him 15 years married to him 10 years he just took me completely for granted” Winnie,honey, I don’t want to sound unsympathetic, but you were cohabitating with a man for 5 years! That is a sure way of getting him to take you for granted and not a good preparation for a happy marriage for many reasons. Consider how it begins. Couples who haven’t even bothered to make a careful choice of a partner starts having sex fairly early in an intense relationship (If not early, then eventually) Then, they wonder why they are paying rent at two places. So they move in together. Pretty soon after they move in together they stop having the kinds of conversations they should have to build a relationship. When you move in with someone it’s very awkward to move out. Important conversations are avoided because they might lead to fights and fights might lead to a separation; moving out means that somebody has to find a new apartment. It’s embarrassing and costly. So all of these conversations that couples should have, they don’t have. Conversations like whether they want to have children etc they don’t have them until after marriage and then they discover that they have huge incompatibilities about really important matters. When I speak to college students I tell them that within the first few weeks if not days of dating someone they need to make it clear that they are not going to have sex before marriage, they want to have children and they will be practicing their faith. If the person they are dating doesn’t agree, find someone new. Don’t fall in love with someone and then find out that that person does not share your values. In our culture people have sex, live together and then get to know each other. That is backwards; you should get to know someone, fall in love with the person, and then get married and have sex. Sexual intercourse should be moving the relationship to a new level, a relationship that already has a firm and solid foundation.

22 10 2015
Dora

I agree with you, Janet. Many people live together before marriage and get divorced after marriage. There is a much higher divorce rate for those who cohabit. The figures just go up and up. About 65 percent of those who cohabit before marriage get divorced. About 50 percent of the rest of the people do, but since more and more couples cohabit, the divorce rate is just going to just keep climbing and climbing. As a matter of fact I think some people get divorced before they get married; that is, some people have two or three extended cohabitations, get “divorced” from them, and then they get married only to discover the have no more trust left to share. Sad

22 10 2015
Bilikisu

True, good communication between spouses is so essential for a happy marriage. When a relationship is not hinged on sex, good communication develops between couples and because they are not just focused on pleasure but on the joy of sharing views and experiences with each other, their conversations became deeper. By contrast, many women who cohabit often complain of lack of emotional intimacy with their partners despite the sexual intimacy. Sex is an easy way to relate, but it overshadows other forms of communication. It is a way of avoiding the real work involved in emotional intimacy, like talking about deep personal issues and working on the basic differences between the two of you.

1 11 2015
Sigh

Where did she say they lived together for those first 5 years?

Was the child’s age mentioned? Or are you assuming the child was born prior to the marriage?

More importantly…Why randomly attack a stranger? One clearly already in pain?

All of the Grace and encouragement you could have offered fell prey to judgement and negativity. Something to pray about perhaps?

19 10 2015
Davidson

Great talk.

19 10 2015
Stacey

i loved this article. I can change the pronouns to doing those things for my husband too! Great advice for both of us.

20 10 2015
Editor

Dear Stacey, There is another wise saying, “If you want love, show love and you will get love. If you show your husband love, guaranteed, your husband will love you back if he is reasonable

18 10 2015
Rosemary

This is very well said. My hope and wishes is that men all over the world reads and incorporate these into their marriages. Marriage is a beautiful thing but very difficult. I am married to a very nice man but does not know how to separate himself and his marriage from his family. One of the biggest problem I have with my husband is not having my back before his ignorant and uneducated family. He refuses to acknowledge and validating my pains. This validation is very important for healing and moving on. Any woman that feels this way, has totally lost faith, hope and most especially love for her husband.
Unfortunately it was too late for your past but there is hope for the future. Thanks a lot for this piece. It is well said.

20 10 2015
Editor

Dear Rosemary, thanks for sharing your story with us. No man should allow anyone to disrespect his wife. A man who allows relatives to insult his wife is not a real man, but a laughing stock among real men. It is the duty of man to protect his wife’s honor, because by so doing he is really protecting his own. Dear Rosemary, hope your husband reads this article and begin doing his duty as a man. In the meantime, have patience. You have my best regards.

18 10 2015
Editor

Great problems in marriages can be resolved by reading how others have tackled the same problems. Here are a list books that might help
1. 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage by Jennifer Roback Morse and Betsy Kerekes is designed to help couples improve their relationships by making small changes in their habits and attitudes. Suggestions for everything from the most mundane aspects of marital life (housework, budgeting, weekend football) to the make-or-break components (forgiveness, kindness, prayer) help readers to love and appreciate their spouses anew. To buy please click here

2. The Accidental Marriage: A Novel by Roger B. Thomas: What does heroism look like? When does friendship become too costly? Do we ever truly touch one another, or are we doomed to walk alone forever? Can love survive trials, or does it inevitably wither and die? The Accidental Marriage is a contemporary story that explores these questions through vibrant, sympathetic characters whose struggles and triumphs illustrate that..To buy please click here

3. When Divorce Is Not an Option By Author: Greg Popcak In these pages, acclaimed author and psychotherapist Gregory Popcak shows you how to heal the hurt in your marriage and develop the crucial habits necessary to resolve conflicts, renew the love you once had, and discover the passion you always wanted.
Dr. Popcak’s clinical experience and recent research show that the difference between happy and unhappy marriages lays in the habits — both good and bad — that are practiced in the home. Here you’ll discover the simple steps needed to root out behavior that leaves you resentful and demoralized, and to begin practicing positive habits that facilitate mutual respect and cultivate admiration.
Even if you feel lonely and abandoned in your marriage, Dr. Popcak offers sensible ways you can work alone at resolving conflict, repairing damage, building rapport, and maintaining intimacy. Because of the graces given to husbands and wives, you have tremendous untapped power to be a catalyst for change even if your spouse isn’t participating.
By following the wise advice in When Divorce Is Not an Option, you’ll take the guesswork out of building a stable, healthy marriage. You’ll also learn:
*Eight marriage-friendly habits that couples in healthy relationships exhibit
* How to identify those areas of your marriage that require the most attention
* What to do when you feel your spouse is out to get you
* Simple ways to integrate prayer into the life of your marriage
* How to make God part of healing your marriage
* How your mind handles feelings and emotions and what you can do about it
* Tips for keeping your conversations focused on solutions instead of emotions
* How to see each of your spouse’s faults as an opportunity for you to grow in holiness..To buy, click here
( Please note that Authors-choice doesn’t have any financial benefits from your purchase of these books, we only recommend them to you because they are the best and we wish our readers the best. Thank you)

18 10 2015
Anonymous

I love this I hit the thumbs down by mistake

18 10 2015
Elaine

Wow!

18 10 2015
Editor

“There are two types of men in this world, Protector or Predator. The Predator abuses women. His wife, or other women. He sees them as slaves, to ill treat and disrespect, object of his selfish desires. The Protector is a family man who devotes his manly powers to protect his wife from anyone who would threaten her. No self-respecting man would stand by and let anyone treat his wife with disrespect. He would take swift action to defend her….. to continue reading> Click

18 10 2015
Wanda king

I am going through this as we speak, I want to fight and have been, I’m so tiered… All the while dealing with lupus, which shows me the last 6years, I have always took care of the home and finances , I would say 90% and him too of the 10%…..just hurt and given up lol haven’t been called pretty or beautiful without saying dang you happy now :((

18 10 2015
Sally

Wanda, our work as women, mothers and wives each day has to be centered on others, serving them and forgetting about ourselves. I believe wives, never be ashamed to serve your husband and children. Remember Jesus said, ‘them, “Whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you will be the slave of all. For the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.Mk 10 35-4 ” Never mind about the compliments. Words are just word, actions speak louder. Your children are your crown, they will turn out well perhaps all because of you care for them and their home

18 10 2015
debby

This is a complete lie and will continue to destroy you, Wanda. We are EACH of equal value. That means you must see that your needs/wants/desires are just as valuable as your husbands. In a healthy relationship, you see his, he sees yours and everyone is taken care of but in emotionally abusive relationships, you see his and he sees his (or vice-versa) and the abuser will use these out of context verses to keep you in your place. Words are NOT just words. The Bible says they are a 2 edged sword. Does THAT sound like something to take lightly?! Your children will turn out well when they have a good model of how a loving relationship plays out, they will NOT turn out well if your daughter sees that her job is unquestioning servant and your sons grow up with a sense of entitlement. You give to others out of wholeness and health. If its your JOB to give to others at all times with no thought of yourself, then that is not giving, that is expected and it is not a gift, it is a requirement. Jesus is speaking of giving out of your heart, not out of someones’ mistaken idea that it is part of your job. You are a person, too. Sally, I highly recommend you read up on the abuse cycle. Perhaps you are one of the few lucky women married to giving, loving men, who give also 100%, but most of the time, if you are the only one giving 100%, the other is happy to take it and give you crumbs. I SAVED my marriage by finally getting a clue about this and refusing to be treated as a subhuman with no right to any opinions, needs, wants, etc. You are giving bad advice here. Study please to show yourself approved.

18 10 2015
C Ann

I feel your pain Wanda. I’ve been married 31 years and finally decided to leave my husband. I had some help though. I had an accident that incapacitated me for more than three months. I was planning to file for divorce but with the injury I lost my income. I recovered at other people’s houses and it gave me time to reflect. That traditional view of giving and giving and submitting and obeying did not work for me. Some men will only continue to take. I was able to take the time to decide what I wanted and needed. I realized I had been too easy to this man and required too little from him. When he realized I was gone and not planning to return it gave him time to reflect. It’s an ongoing story but again figure out what you want and need and lay it out to him. Have the courage to be ready to walk away if he doesn’t do it. Don’t respond to talk. You need action. If he doesn’t think you’re worth it realize for yourself that you are and then move on. Sometimes our diseases reflect what’s going on in our lives. I don’t know what your spiritual perspective is but ask for help from whoever or whatever you believe in…..and again be strong and courageous enough to follow it. What you want and need will come to you! It did for me

17 10 2015
Denise. Appleberry

Wish someone would have love me like that , too late . Im 58; and terrified..

18 10 2015
mamajosh1

Most definitely, someone has and will love you just like thatl, dear lady. Hang in there and trust the LORD, your Maker and perfect Husband (Isaiah 54:5), Who has loved you perfectly your whole life, and deemed you *ultimately* precious, and worthy of the best of everything– even the life of His only Son. He has created someone just for you who is not necessarily perfect (which of us can say we are), but is perfect for *you.* It is the most awesome thing for me to imagine that even as He was creating my husband, He had me in mind (and vice versa). Time doesn’t matter (God created and controls that, too); there are other men in your age group in the world who need a wise and lovely woman just like you. Besides, 58 is still young– especially these days. I’m in my 50s and still reinventing myself with new hobbies and even a whole new career (in psychology and pastoral counseling– can you tell? 😄). Prayers and all God’s BEST blessings to you, sweet lady.

19 10 2015
Anonymous

Its never too late. Trust the lord an take the plunge. Dont allow your fears(demons) to hold you back. Pray for it, and forget it. Every trial has a lesson. Learn the lesson to receive your blessin’. I’m 40, my wife is 50. 18 years strong and ive raised her kids as my own……

17 10 2015
Judy

I can relate, after 32 years of marriage, my husband blindsided me and moved in with his secretary. I thought we had a solid marriage, I was out of town two weeks at a time taking care of his Father’s skin cancer treatments six hours away. Been separated eight years now, I need his health insurance, the affair lasted less than five months and we have little contact, but he pays all my expenses. My main regret were the lies to our two grown children, so they have no Father now, he has no other family. And now retirement years are not what I thought they would be, no one to share them with.

17 10 2015
Curt

You can’t forgive him?

18 10 2015
debby

Because Judy is speaking the truth of the situation, you accuse her of not “forgiving him?” How do you know she hasn’t? I don’t see any personal attacks against this man who has deceived her and changed the course of her life, only factual statements. Yes, forgiveness is required, but lets give her some time to process the grief and loss and anger first, shall we?!

18 10 2015
Patrice

How sad, Judy. It sounds like your husband lost himself and everyone/thing else in the process. The fallout is devastating.

18 10 2015
Mrs. Lizzy A

I am 57 and I have been married for 23 years and even though, we’ve had our ups and downs, my marriage has been a very happy one, and I would like to share some lil tricks that helps me keep my man’s arm around me all the time. One of them is that I never take my looks for granted, and I never take my husband for granted when it come to how I look . I believe wives shouldn’t take their husbands for granted, ever! There is an old proverb that says, “A well-groomed woman keeps her husband away from other doors.” So keep yourselves good-looking. Take care of your appearance. Dress well, just as when you were younger, because you are always young. When your husband gets home tired from work, don’t annoy him with day’s disagreeable things, at time, you explode with so many foolish things that you drive him crazy. Of course the poor fellow, no matter how good he is, doesn’t want to hurry home. He wants to find the house nice, a smile in your face. Prepare a good dinner, what he like best, realizing that he’s exhausted. He has worn himself out working for love of you and your children for the good of your good. I tell you, it is a matter of serious matter, you owe it to your husband to dress well, and if as the years go by, your natural facades are no longer young pretty as it used to be, spruce it up, put on some make up. This way you will hold the heart, and eye of your man, and keep them from turning away, in disgust to other women.

18 10 2015
debby

I keep myself looking nice because I love my husband. It is an important act of sacrifice, I agree. I DONT agree that the REASON I need to do that is so my husband won’t stray. His commitment should be as rock-solid as mine, regardless of whether I am aging. This puts much undo pressure on a woman whose husband may be a selfish bastard who will stray no matter what she looks like. She will blame herself which is ridiculous. Some men will just cheat. Others won’t. Its not my job to “make sure he doesn’t cheat on me.” That is on him and his commitment to me and to God. Stop putting the weight of sin on the shoulders of a person it doesn’t belong to. We each have our own to deal with. Wives do not have to hold the weight of their husbands sin as well.

19 10 2015
Nana '

What about the wife, it appears that she doesn’t deserve anything. Wives work hard inside as well as outside the home, contribute to the bottom lines cost of raising the family also. Who is there for her to lean on. I have gone through a divorce because of a cheating husband. I dresses and presented myself well all of the time, had a good job and took care of our children (He choose to work night shift ) all the time. I’m now remarried to a person who at 67 decides that it I s ok to have a female co-worker as a person to h ave lunch with everyday alone. My feelings toward this 39 year old is not good. Why is it that a single mom of 2 need to be with an old man that have no appeal and cannot perform at all. (Sexually, have no money or credit and only got his parents house after they passed away. He has never owned anything except an old fixer upper auto.) My question is what does she expect from him. If a man turns away from his wife it’s because he wants to. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions….

18 10 2015
Anonymous

Please forgive him and give him a chance to gain your trust.

18 10 2015
debby

Did it occur to you that HE is the one who left to live with his secretary? Did it occur to you that HE doesn’t WANT to “gain her trust?” You are making hurtful assumptions here, assuming she hasn’t forgiven because, what, her man didn’t come back? Assuming he wants to gain her trust, what, because the secretary thing didn’t work out? Stop blaming this wife!

18 10 2015
Editor

You forgive the unforgivable; here is an article about “Forgiving when it is not Easy” It says, “Many people are reluctant to show mercy because they don’t understand the difference between trust and forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past. Trust has to do with future behavior.
Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Trust requires a track record. If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you…Continue Reading click>

17 10 2015
Katherine Santana

Wow!
Joachim Cabanyes’ “Advice to Married Couples” is absolutely magnificent, emotional, and so full of wisdom and truth. I couldn’t stop crying because this has been my only dream & desire so many years ago, praying that the “father of my children” would learn someday, ever since I fell completely out of love for him, over 17 years ago.
It’s been too long, & too many years now, to ever rekindle that love, and there was much abusive behavior from him towards me, & our son. So, I do fear him too, but it is what I longed for from him for many years before he became aggressive, while we were still “a happy family together” which is what appeared to everyone when we were in public.
I am still alone now, still waiting for “the one God has chosen for me,” so, in the meantime, I continued raising my children, pursuing my educational career, until the death of my son at 19 years old. Yes, I have many questions for my Lord in Heaven when it comes to me, but one thing I do know, as for my son, he is finally happy with his Real Father that is embracing him, has always loved him, & will never ever leave him, and he is now in Heaven happy, and in peace.
As for me, I am in peace knowing that my son is with his Real Father in Heaven. As much as I may miss him terribly because he would always be by my side, protecting me, & loved me so much. I know that he’s with The Lord.
Now, I’m still waiting on the Lord for that kind of love that Mr. Cabanyes describes, still waiting for that kind of man that has courage & integrity, and loves God above everything in this world; in order to love me, respect me, & value me, as Our Lord instructs for every man to love his wife.
I am surely going to share his message with as many people as I can.
Thank you for this publication.
God bless you.
Kathy
395-409-1800

17 10 2015
Grace sein

It is very inspiring i would love to have such,.keep up the good work

17 10 2015
Irene Jasper

As I read this journal I was forced to look back at my own broken marriage . Weeping because I lived through a terrible storm of a marriage . I am very happy to say I didn’t loose my mind in the process ! Thanks for sharing .

18 10 2015
Editor

Dear Irene, thanks for dropping us a line. We are happy that you pulled through this tragedy without losing it. You are right broken marriage is a very bitter and painful experience that has the ability to trigger clinical depression, worse still, studies show that divorce is linked to premature death

17 10 2015
Alaya zikru

Truth they is like ray of light even the blind can feel it.

17 10 2015
Anonymous

Would love to see the female version of this! Thanks for sharing its great to see a male write from his heart!

16 10 2015
David Wright Jr

Thanks bro that shed allot of light for me… I just recently got married and I will use this wisdom in my marriage. Thank you and God bless you

16 10 2015
Editor

You are welcome, David Wright Jr and congratulations on your marriage! Wish you a happy, romantic-adventure filled marriage with plenty of bright and handsome children. And may this article help you to love your wife without limit, and she you. May you be the Romeo of her dreams, and she the sweetness of your life forever!

16 10 2015
Editor

Dear David, ask your wife: “I want to make you happy; tell me what I should do to make you happy.” This is the first question every man should ask his wife on the first day of marriage. If you do everything she tells you, you will trigger an avalanche of warm affection from your wife to you. She will engulf you with love and deep tenderness

17 10 2015
Maria Romain

Hi, I am a firm believer that happiness is a choice and it is not up to a spouse to make the other person happy. When a husband asks his wife, what can I do to make you happy? He’s setting himself up for failure. A wife shouldn’t be dependent on her husband for her own happiness. What happens when he can’t deliver that request? Does she become unhappy and start to resent him for not delivering on his promise? Does she become angry because her husband was well aware that his actions were needed in order to make her happy? The appropriate questions that a husband should ask are…What qualities are you looking for in a husband? What can I contribute to this marriage to make it successful?

17 10 2015
Editor

Dear Maria Romain, thanks for rephrasing the question, but it is the same. When a husband asks what qualities are you looking for in a husband, he means, ” What qualities in a husband makes you happy? ” He is not asking for a shopping list, that would be crass materialism. Happiness is not material, it is spiritual. He simply wants to know those spiritual attributes that she would be happy if he, her husband, had so that he can begin to acquire them. For example, she may wish her husband gentleness to a very high degree, or love, empathy, deep love, etc.

17 10 2015
Eduardo

Although I find the article very inspiring and full of valuable points, it forgets to recognize that marriage is a two way street. It is the wife and husband that jointly must work together to nurture the relationship, to grow together, to accept each other and both be constantly ready to support each other. Both: men and women equally share the responsibility to make marriage work and maintain love alive everyday.

18 10 2015
debby

Perhaps EACH spouse can ask, “What can I do that would show you love today?” Sometimes its “clean something” sometimes its “have sex with me” sometimes its “i need a 20 minute break from the kids” sometimes its “lasagna for supper”
Good advice, Editor :-)

17 10 2015
Anonymous

Careful with that statement you just gave, this can trigger#7 and #5. this can be manipulated into YOU statements! example: i asked you what you wanted,what you liked , etc. “what more do I have to do or say or give to make you happy”!

16 10 2015
Shelby Verdieu

Thank you for this beautiful wake up call for marriages. Ihave been measured for a few months and this isn’t my first marriage, but I have committed to making it work. I too set the errors of my past and know that marriage is what you make it. I so agree with everything that he said. Beautiful..

16 10 2015
Sophie Augustin

I am impressed with those words of wisdom. Thank u. we keep in touch on email.

15 10 2015
Stace

Thank you!
These are powerful words to someone thats been thru that storm. Married 20, divorced 1.5. In Love again, for 4 months. This helps.
Be blessed!

15 10 2015
karen

I so agree with all that he has said , but I believe that it works both ways that a woman needs to do a lot of these things too. .after all both should be willing to give 100% of themselves in order to make it work .I find this very important in any relationship, ..
So I wish Them good luck and god speed

15 10 2015
Patrick

good advice !

15 10 2015
metta4ricwordz

Reblogged this on metta4ricwordz's Blog.

15 10 2015
Regina Dillard

It’s very easy to see the relationship from the beautiful, full-bloom flower perspective, as opposed to understanding the stem and root system with gives life and nutrients to the flower. When the flower dies, it’s the root system which provides the foundational elements and essential nutrients to keep the flower coming back year after year. Everyone sees the flower, but the real, and sometimes “dirty” work happens underground.

15 10 2015
Editor

Dear Regina Dillard, your metaphors eloquently capture the reason many are unhappy in their marriages. The reality is that true love is very different from emotionalism. True love is often ‘dirty” like the love of a mother for a sick child. It is often tough, like the love of soldier who dies to save his regiment. What some people love is not a person, but the experience of being in love. The first is irreplaceable; the second is not. As soon as the glands cease to react with their pristine force, couples who identified emotionalism and love claim they no longer love one another. If such is the case they never loved the other person in the first place; they only loved being loved, which is the highest form of egotism. Marriage founded on sex passion alone lasts only as long as the animal passion lasts. Within two years the animal attraction for the other may die, and when it does, law comes to its rescue to justify the divorce with the meaningless words “incompatibility,” or “mental torture.” Animals never have recourse to law courts, because they have no will to love; but man, having reason, feels the need of justifying his irrational behavior when he does wrong. Please read this if you want to know why marriage end in Divorce read> Click Why Marriages End in Divorce

15 10 2015
Marcia

Very well written Gerald Rogers. They say it’s better the second time around. I guess you can see why that is true. Nevertheless, I wish you God’s blessings in your next marriage. I’m curious though to hear your advice for the wives.

14 10 2015
Editor

Hello, Jmom105, thanks for dropping us a line. It should not surprise you that all men are fallible and prone to errors and often do not appreciate the gem in their hands until they lose it. You should consider sending this over to your ex. Who knows? He might even read it; stop his finger pointing; reflect on his own past behaviors; feel remorse and change. In any case, by education, you would do him a good turn. Cheers

14 10 2015
Gerri

This was VERY interesting. It’s good to hear from the male take on things sometimes. Thanks for helping others from your setback…I’ll pass this on.

14 10 2015
Adel

Dear editor i am a women married for 23 years and still is but I don’t love my husband intact I done even like him over the year he has so many things to me that I cannot even mention I told him I do not love him but all he say is stop saying that but I do mean it we have three children the youngest being 9 years and I don’t want to walk away and leave my kids I will not be able to take cake of them financially my husband refused to seek help I don’t know What to do

15 10 2015
Editor

Dear Adel, Ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Being in love is merely a feeling. What is important is to have a “second love,” based on “self giving” You and your husband can have this love even at those moments when you do not like each other. “Being in love” first moved you to promise fidelity to each other, the second love, which is much quieter will enable you to keep the promise. It is on this “second-love” that the engine of marriage is run.
If you want more details on what this, please read,click> Marriage isn’t for You by Seth Smith
You can also read,click >the 12 secrets of happy marriage
If you want to understand what makes marriage work read, click> The Lived Happily Ever After

16 10 2015
Anonymous

Pray……Please attend my church.

16 10 2015
Anonymous

First, stop saying you don’t love him. Find the things about him that you do love or respect. Obviously he is the financial backing for your family. That’s something. Sounds like he is a patient man, when you say you don’t love him he replies with…don’t say that instead of something that could hurt you back. Think about why you married him. What you fell in love with about him and build on those few things and continue to build. Ask yourself what has changed for me or what makes me feel the way I do. Then ask how can I change it in a positive way. Divorce is not always the answer because often you take the baggage from unresolved issues into the next relationship. Take a note from the author of the blog and learn that often times hind sight is 20/20. Many people say, if I knew then what I know now or if I could do it all over again I would have done things differently. (What would you do differently?) The grass is not always greener on the other side and most of the time it’s because some of the problems we face are in us not the other person or self-induced. I don’t know all of your situation but TRY to save your marriage. There is POWER in staying together!

16 10 2015
Editor

Thanks, Dear for the cup of good advice. It is filled full with the best of true wisdom

14 10 2015
Candace

I’ve been separated for 12 years, I’m not in love with him, he wants to try again, hes a great father, & provider, but our issues were communication and the bedroom, he doesn’t want the divorce.. I do, we still are good friends but I wasnt happy.

14 10 2015
Editor

Dear Candace, I appreciate your honesty, but it appears you want a divorce because you are no longer in love with your spouse. According to this article~, every relationship begins like this; First, there is love, romance, kissing and touching, and a feeling that one cannot live without the other. Then comes marriage. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of every relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. But this is the general situation of all relationships. Even if you were to get a divorce now and marry another, you will still experience this ” law of diminishing return.” The only solution to this is not a change of husband, but a struggle in little things that keep the fire of love burning. Here the article concludes that
“THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.”

18 10 2015
Christina

It is good for couples before they marry to be engaged for some time, to get to know each other better and thus they are better prepared for marriage. Marriage is not just for the satisfaction of the heart and senses- your happiness, Candace, it is also suffering, taking care and darn socks, cooking for the children, tending the sick child. You will be happy if you do all, if you work hard for your family. If you dont, no matter how much you sing “love” , you do not know what love is. Moreover you will not be happy with any man

18 10 2015
Editor

Break in communication is the leading cause of divorce.
Women sometimes expect men to hold up 50 percent of the conversation. Let’s face it, guys don’t. Not because they can’t but they don’t.There was an amazing study some years ago that confirmed that women talked twice as much as men.
Here some tips how to start get you and your husband to start talking, deeper and intimately, you can read, 11 EXPERT TIPS ON HOW TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION IN YOUR MARRIAGE

14 10 2015
Paul

Hello, I was sincerely moved by your article. I have wronged my wife tremendously, by not being truthful on numerous occasions. She is recent breast cancer survivor and she is still recovering. But while I was away on business I went out a partied with some business mates. This was a mistake I over indulged in alcohol and was at a bar that was inappropriate for a man of my status and age. This has seemed to be to last straw for my wife as she is asking for a divorce. I admit that I have been a jerk but how do move forward from here? I want to keep my wife of 22 years but in the end I want her to be happy.

14 10 2015
Editor

Hello Dear, Paul. You have made a very important point and I am very moved by your sincerity. Before I answer your question, I would like to say that many, many marriages fail because of marital infidelity. Here are some reasons why cheating is increasing in the US and elsewhere:
1. Availability of online dating sites, increased connectivity -internet chatting can turn sexual and has the potential to be a dangerous form of unfaithfulness within the marriage.
2. Online pornography (now a $10 billion a year industry) hyper stimulates men sexually such that their wives no longer appeal. Thus, they seek to release steam built up by images on their screens in brothels and strip clubs. Porn is vicious because it is addictive; it releases dopamine in central nervous system in brain, hardwiring it to crave for more and more perverse sex. Real porn addicts hate and can even kill women for pleasure. Porn shatters marriages, making men look on their wives with distaste and regret, even as they are battling a diminishing return in their own ever growing sexual perversion fueled by online images.
3. Glamorization of adultery and extramarital sex by the mainstream media, Hollywood and glitz magazines. These so called sexual revolutions have ruptured the link between sex and marriage, thus divorce, out-of wedlock pregnancies; abortions are spiraling out of control, (1.8million abortions in US in, and unmarried women accounted for 85.5% of all abortions (CDC)) There are 500,000 divorces in the Unites States ever year.
Solution to marital infidelity is not easy, Paul, because sex is attractive and stolen waters as they say is very sweet. Still it ends in sadness as this article states, and requires the effort of both spouses. Husbands should try to guard the eyes in the streets. Looking at backsides and cleavages of other women is a recipe for trouble. (It is not licit to excite what is not licit to gratify). This article gives a comprehensive list and makes the point that nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to begin an extramarital affair. Infidelity begins in the heart and mind. By the time a person physically commits adultery, he or she has been indulging for quite some time in progressively more intense mental and emotional affairs.” And internet porn, strip clubs, these should be totally avoided. What I would do if I were in your shoes, Paul, is to buy a bouquet of roses, go into my wife’s room, get down on my knees, and ask her for forgiveness with tears in my eyes..then accept whatever sentence she passes on me. That is all.

If you would like to know how Pornography effects the brain please read, click> The Porn Circuit

On how porn destroys marriages read, Clickclick>The Impact of Pornography on marriages by Dr Peter Kleponis

14 10 2015
Paul

Thank you for your advice and I am more than willing to do just that. I really hope she can allow me to put to use your tips. Thank you again for such a moving article.

14 10 2015
Editor

You are a good man, Paul just let your actions from henceforth do the talking. May God bless you and make you faithful, loving and self sacrificing ready to do whatever it takes to care of, and love your wife, for better or for worse, till death. Believe me, Heaven wants it so, and will reward you forever for it.

15 10 2015
Anonymous

So true.
Husbands be your wife’s Hero……

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,934 other followers

%d bloggers like this: