My Advice To Married Couples After Divorcing My Wife Of 16 Years By Gerald Rogers.

23 08 2013

My Advice To Married Couples After Divorcing My Wife   Of 16 Years By Gerald Rogers.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

(From the Editor: We wish  to thank Joachim Cabanyes for sending it  to us for publication,   Joachim Cabanyes is an honorary member of Authors-choice blog.)


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982 responses

23 08 2016
hairz

If you’re commenting, “what about the woman?” you’ve probably missed the point of this article. It’s written from a man’s perspective and it gives other men insight on how to be a better husband, lover, provider, protector, friend. It doesn’t state what the woman should do because it’s not written for women. Of course, there are similar responsibilities for women in a relationship, but this man can’t speak for women. There are however, many of valuable articles out there which speak to how women can be better partners in a relationship and how they can take greater care of their mates, but this article isn’t one. Let’s appreciate the article for what it is without getting defensive.

17 08 2016
Anonymous

Thanks Joachim for the research will is si handy,both for those in courtship and those in a divorce dilemma. You may not have answers for everyone but no one will miss a point of assistance,God bless you. Missionary protas Chimwani Bulinda- Lodwar.

15 08 2016
ShoYaRite

What a fantastic and purpose driven message! Man! Kudos to you G for one, taking the time to reflect and reveal. It is to be hoped that this message will manifest in all of us and one at a time heal and bring us back to where we began. Also, kudos to those men, like myself, who can admit their shortcomings and to those women that support their men in recognizing (women and a God given talent called intuition), when the ship has gone ashore. Gerald makes all great and relevant points. Take it from him and to add, from me being a married man for 14 years. My wife is my second girlfriend. Not to say I haven’t had connections with women before, but I was one who wanted the world to know me, but never really letting anyone know my true feelings about me either. My wife loved and paid attention to me and figured it out. My father was a outgoing man and flirted with all the ladies from the grocery store or gas station. I, in turn, am the same way. I have never stepped out on my wife but have crossed (her) the line a time or two. Gerald is right about “the plan.” We all have one. Who I am now is not who I was 30 years ago. Our needs and wants do and will change. I am grateful for Gerald for this as it serves me to always protect her heart and my own too. She is my better half as she may say the same about me. Can’t say this enough Gerald, thank you and may the source of your strength continue to bestow good health and peace of mind upon you and all that read this.

3 08 2016
Anonymous

I believe what I see, but I would like to know what part does a wife own, If she does not respect her husband?

3 08 2016
Anonymous

Can’t agree with you. Yes, we change, but that’s the way you described your love or marriage is to make her happy and only her. Marriage is not a 50/50 split. It’s 75/75 you give and she gives…your sad cuz you lost your partner. And that’s understandable, I did too, 16 years together. Maybe my experience is completely different from yours…however, why do women want us to change? Or why should we ask our woman to change? We loved then because how they were or are and they did too…

You’re justifying her actions and how she felt about you, which it sounds like or you’re admitting to doing some wrong. Women have a plan and if you’re not part of that plan after a while then you’re out. Plain and simple. Men are known to be cheaters, and so on, but what about women? They have a lot to play on the relationship, if they don’t get the attention they want after a while they seek it somewhere else. It’s in there nature and that’s when you’re out.

They can’t help it…they want romance, but you ask a women what’s romance to you and they’ll say I don’t know. They want the knight and shining armor…wtf is that? A man that opens a door, or buys dinner? Any guy can do that, but when that’s over, then what? You are just like any other guy out there, not the shining armor she wanted.

Men are simple minded and we will do what is expected; text, tell our women we love them and do those things that women don’t want to do or can’t do, romance, men’s view. But you’ve done all that and now is old, repetitive. And know you have to come up with something new, change. As men we don’t ask our women for much; we don’t need romance, or gifts or those things that women seek.

Again, women change. And if you don’t change with them they will find it somewhere else.

Remember men are hunters and women are gathers, they want things and if they don’t get it they’ll find the hunter that will give it to them, until he can’t provide that and his out of the plan.

So, you tried and did all you could, but at the end you were out of the plan long time ago…

3 08 2016
mandog

Damn, that was the most spot on description I have ever heard. I am 4 years into marriage and I am starting to feel that pull away from me she is doing as well. When we first started dating it was about love and care…but now it’s all about the finances and what we don’t have (3 stall garage, in ground pool or a 6 figure income. We don’t even need that since we don’t have any kids and she doesn’t want them now. She goes to her friends and when they all hangout all they talk about is money and what they have or don’t have….gatherers. I am not an alpha hunter I guess since I am not an exec…

24 07 2016
Anonymous

Good stuff

16 07 2016
Rita Terry

Went through divorce this year, difficult process, pride was the enemy on both parts.

14 07 2016
Andrew

My wife sent me this…..after we had a very traumatic fight. I read it, well read without reading, saw one of the comments saying well the wife needs to behave the same way, agreed….went to a counseling session on my own and thought some more and hopefully have now started to understand. Thank you for writing this and I hope you find happiness. Thanks also to my wife for forwarding this to me…even though it is painful to acknowledge one’s faults and failings and very easy to blame others that is not the solution. I have left this page open on my phone’s browser and try and reread pieces of this each day.

14 07 2016
Editor

I have met many good men, but rarely have I found any so good to admit their fault, take steps to change, and are grateful to those who helped them realize their error. Andrew you are a rare gem! Many a married woman will wish to be in your wife’s shoes. I wish you every happiness as you struggle to be better and better. Cherio!

10 07 2016
Julia

O M G. What wonderful words of wisdom. I wish I had this years ago. But now I am a Christian and this time made a covenant with God when I made a commitment to my husband.There were times I wanted to throw in the towel but when I prayed to God to release me from this marriage He never answered. Than I had a prophesy that God sees my tears and He is working it out. I live by these points I just read and God grace. But love must be the trump card in all marriages. If you truly love each other these words about marriage will keep you until death do you part they are real and workable and pray for patience and a stronger commitment. Love hides a multitude of sins like each other’s faults. Turns those negatives faults around by looking for the good that he has. No one is perfect. You can change partner, but they to will have faults but!! may be different ones. So if you are married print these points and put them on your fridge so you both can read it but more importantly live them together.This is sound advice we know it we say but we must live it together. Thank you for sharing these words of wisdom that are so practical for loving your spouse and living in a happy marriage. Don’t believe marriages are 50–50 % the percentages change in given situation you must give and take. Pick your battles. But remember the battle is not your it is the Lords. The devil will use our bodies as hotels living free and causing havoc in our marriages When you see behavior that will cause an argument it is the devil raring his ugly head. Just say get the behind me Satan and give it to God. Ignore it but we have to address it that human nature. No learn no ways to deal with the problem or issues. Be the bigger person and say this is not the time to confront this. Don’t play into the devil’s hand. Beat him at his own game. It does take practice but with these points you can do it. Shalom. Julia.

10 07 2016
Editor

Thanks for enlightening us, Julia. Your words helps us all

8 07 2016
Kenneth Wiggins

Wow! I agree wholeheartedly w/ the Author. In Essense, if you practice what the Author is Recommending, then I believe that your Marriage Can, and Will Be Successful. Yes, I speak from Personal Experience, like the Author. Family, Friends, and Others; Male and Female; Engaged Couples, Newly-Weds, and Seasoned Married Couples, Can ALL GROW and LEARN From this Wonderful Message. Thanks Mr Gerald Rogers for Sharing.

8 07 2016
Anonymous

These words ring so true. And I’ve found the man who embodies all of this. Unfortunately he’s not my husband and he’s married as well. No, we never had a relationship, but we are close enough that I can tell.
His wife is the luckiest girl in the world and doesn’t even know it.

7 07 2016
Jeffrey Sykes

Wonderful story, but remember the highway of love and marriage(my sisters)
is a two lane highway.

7 07 2016
Erika

This couldn’t have come at a greater time. Seems like the words you have written is like the echo of my voice as I speak to my husband. I have only been married a year and a half and all the points were on point (pun intended). Thank you for being so transparent.

7 07 2016
Editor

Thank you for writing in, Erika. I hope that this article will help your husband follow the wise path.

7 07 2016
Monica

I truly enjoyed this article. As I read the words, I found myself not thinking about myself as a wife and wanting these things for me, rather the entire time, I was thinking about how these are the principles I need to commit to, as a wife, in the treatment of my (future) husband. The work and commitment starts now…There’s nothing I want more than to be a great partner and wife! Thanks so much for sharing what you learned through your loss. God bless you.

7 07 2016
Editor

Thank you, Monica. You have the rare practical mindset possessed by only few but highly successful people

7 07 2016
Anonymous

This is the real s*** for any man myself going through a divorce has read in a long time

7 07 2016
Sylvia freeman

Well said

6 07 2016
Alma Arrington

I loved these words and have lived much of them the 33 plus years I have been married. Now I’d like to use your beautifully articulated words of wisdom to pass to my children in hopes that when they do decide to marry they will have these words to guide them in a successful, long lived marriage. Thank you for sharing.

7 07 2016
Editor

Alma Arrington, thanks for your comments. I hope that this article will help your children become as wise as you are.

6 07 2016
Anonymous

Amen you learn when it’s to late

6 07 2016
Anonymous

Deep !!!!

5 07 2016
Shamerra Glover

Wow, that’s all I have too say.

5 07 2016
Anonymous

Idk mines getting ready to go sour!! For the worst!!

6 07 2016
Anonymous

There is yet hope…put your all in..and most of all PRAY!

4 07 2016
Stanley

I read this and this is deep.It gave me something to think about. I will keep this in mind and follow it to the fullest. Thank u and God Bless.

4 07 2016
Editor

Thank you, Stanley, you are good man, and I wish this article will help you make your marriage a happy one.

3 07 2016
Tahira

This is a beautiful read! I agree with everything you said as a wife reading. I would love to hear your advice on what a husband needs too.

3 07 2016
Editor

Thank you, Tahira. Simply reverse the pronouns and you will have it.

3 07 2016
John

What is amazing is that even in the loss of marriage, God was able to give counsel through him to help others. As a minister who is also in my 2nd and final marriage,’ because this one will work.’ I tell folks that marriage is not for Lazy people. You also need a spirit of adventure. Love is available especially if it is reciprocated.I pray God heal the wounds of a bad marriage and bring unity to those who desire Love…

26 06 2016
Art

This came two years too late for me. Good read!

23 06 2016
Anonymous

I enjoyed this report. All my youth, adulthood, now considered senior, I’ve wanted marriage but it seems I find love but when it comes to marriage the men hv too much baggage/issues to start a marriage. Their lives before we got together is too complicated.

16 06 2016
Janet James

Great advice hoping it will beread shared and put tinto practice Lots of couple after a while begin to tale each other for grsntrd marriage should be a life time of courtship and romance and it does not take a lot of money to do Constantly think how u can make ur partner happy Being thoughful.considerate. and never go to bed angry with other communicate and be willing to listen and compromise if u have to

12 06 2016
Alice L. McKay

This article touched my spirit. I divorced my husband of almost 15 years for the very reasons written about here. Thank you so much for sharing this. Maybe I will be a better wife, if I ever get married again. Women learn so much about love when we listen to a man who isn’t afraid to admit where he went wrong. Thanks again.

12 06 2016
Editor

Thanks, Alice

18 06 2016
Anonymous

Your comments mirror my own experience. Divorce is very ugly and it’s repercussion. Another suggested that a man lead his family on his knees…in prayer, because the responsibility requires it. Best to you.

9 06 2016
manup

Dude you divorced her…why are you going back and regretting your decision now? Did you have an epiphany? Are you wanting her back now? Why did you do it in the first place if you were supposed to treat her in all these ways? Are these the standards SHE required of you? Maybe that’s why you made the right choice and left then.

3 06 2016
Vivian

This is the most amazing thought for a man to have or even think. I lost mine after twenty two years. Still feeling the pain , separated for almost two years. I diffently feel the pain.

2 06 2016
Faithful

Awesome read I felt every word and young couple could learn from this

1 06 2016
Anonymous

With all that, my question is what the heck do you require her to do?

9 06 2016
Anonymous

When you pick a man, you will do ANYTHING for him. When he lies and cheats, bye.

31 05 2016
getrude

Understood thanks for the lesson, point noted.

30 05 2016
Len

Never underestimate the ability of a women. I’m 35 yrs in and I promise you that if ur making me less than what I value myself… I’ll stay, but I’m going to do what I need to do to feel my worth.

29 05 2016
David E Hall

Well Said!

28 05 2016
Christine Sampson

So true

27 05 2016
Anonymous

well too late FOR ALL that now big dawg. ..too late…should have thought about all that before now..

27 05 2016
Don McInnis

Why did you bother with this long winded s**. I was married 46 years when my wife died suddenly. The key to a successful marriage is simple; ALWAYS PUT YOUR WIFE FIRST. BLOODY ANY A** THAT MAKE FUN OF HER. She has been gone 18 years now and it still seems like it just happened. Each day I wonder why and get through the day.

2 06 2016
Anonymous

IT SERIOUSLY LASTS THAT LONG??!!!!!
My husband just passed away April 3rd ’16… and I don’t think I’ve really accepted it yet to even get to the grieving part! I always wonder what will become of me when the harsh reality finally hits😢
But to hear that after 16 long years the thoughts are ever present…. Makes me feel hopeless😢😢

2 06 2016
Editor

We are deeply sorry to hear of your husband’s passing away, sweetheart. May his gentle soul rest in peace. No words can express the loneliness you must feel right now, all I can say is be strong, your husband would want you to be strong. When the grieving hits hard, remember we all love you, and wish we could be there right now to hold your hands, tell you everything will be fine. May God bless you and keep you strong and if there is anything we can do, please ask

8 06 2016
Leta

So sorry for loss, hoping you find another love just as great whenever you open your heart.

9 06 2016
Anonymous

Sorry for your loss.

26 05 2016
Norah

Very powerful to hear this from a divorced many

26 05 2016
Anonymous

Awesome!!

25 05 2016
Anonymous

Thank you for your insight.

24 05 2016
magnie wiltshire

great advice thank wishing you all the best

24 05 2016
Anonymous

U said it all really touching it is for every lover to learn thx u for sharing god bless you

24 05 2016
Anonymous

I agree. And the same applies in the other direction.

24 05 2016
Anonymous

Awesome read…. balanced with the wife’s responsibilities too………. its perfect….. trust healing and happiness will soon fill this mans heart again.

24 05 2016
Anonymous

Thank you for your insight and honesty. There is a lot of wisdom in what you say, and wives can take away from it also. Then wives need to add respecting their husband. I hope you find a woman who appreciates you.

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