My Husband is A Porn Addict: A Recovery Guide for Wives

2 04 2016

 

878060-017

My Husband is a Porn Addict by Cindy beall

My Husband’s a Porn addict: How Can I compete With Her?

I’ll never forget the first time I walked in on my husband looking at Internet
pornography. Immediately my heart sank, and I remember this sick feeling wash
over me. The thought that began to plague my mind instantly was, “How will I ever
be able to compete with her?”
If I think about that day I can remember exactly what the woman looked like. How
she was posing and what her facial expression was. I would tell you what she was
wearing but that’s just it…she wasn’t wearing anything. She was very well endowed
and made me look like I was just about to get my first training bra. Her long,
gorgeous, blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders but not enough to cover up
anything.
I knew my husband, Chris, struggled with lust because we’d been married for five
years. His admissions seemed to be vulnerable and honest but I’d later find it was
just a smokescreen. I didn’t realize how hard it would hit me to walk in on him in the
middle of him fulfilling his lustful moment. I guess I was okay with his sin being “out
of sight, out of mind.”
Chris’ introduction to pornography came when he was merely eight years old. He
didn’t ask for his sin to begin at that age, but it did. And for a growing, curious
boy the desire to see more only grew throughout the rest of his childhood and
adolescence. The hunger could be satiated by an occasional look at a National
Geographic if you weren’t picky about the kind of naked women you’d see. His
newfound addiction didn’t totally bombard his life as a youngster simply because
to obtain such racy material meant that you had to know someone who could buy a
Playboyor a Penthousefrom the local convenience store.

The date is indelibly written in my mind. I will never forget what I was doing when
Chris walked in the door that Tuesday morning. We’d been in our new home in our
new town for less than a week when he dropped the biggest bomb on me. After
asking me to join him on the sofa, he proceeded to tell me that he’d been unfaithful
to me many times with many different women over a period of about two-and-a-half
years. In the midst of my immediate reeling, devastation, and line of questioning, he
admitted that he was a full-blown porn addict.
In the early days, looking at pictures of naked women was enough to satisfy his
craving. But, over time, looking at pictures turned into watching videos, which
eventually turned into chatting with women who were just as messed up as he was.
And before long, the unthinkable occurred: His online fantasy became a reality with
a woman.
As he shared with me how this once small addiction spiraled out of control, I
learned that these horrendous actions weren’t because he didn’t love me but
because he was unable—or unwilling—to get free from his addiction. It sure didn’t
feel like he loved me but eventually I realized that the bondage that took over his life
was more than he could handle. So he acted out. .continue reading





Porn Almost Ruined My Marriage: Nick Willis

10 03 2016

Nick Willis Porn Addiction

Olympian Nick Willis says he has no regrets over breaking his silence about his pornography addiction.

Willis took to Facebook today to react to the publicity around his revelation, which he posted on his page several days ago.

“I guess I never realised how much interest the media would have in my Facebook post but I want to affirm that breaking the silence is worth it if even only one person succeeds in winning his/her battle,” he said.

Friends and family commented, commending him on his admission.

One person wrote; “Good on you… takes a lot of courage. Doesn’t change my view on you. Go hard and keep chasing your dreams”.

Another person wrote; “Very brave and I’m sure it will make an impact in more than one life”.

Family First director and anti-pornography advocate Bob McCoskrie said people who admit and talk about a harmful addiction could actually help others who may be going through a similar struggle.
“They’re actually bringing a reality check to what pornography is really about and I think that as a society, we’re starting to go down that track finally.”

Mr McCoskrie said it’s very brave of a sports star to admit to a porn addiction and he commended Mr Willis for speaking out.

“His relationships and his family will be better for the fact he’s fronted up to the problem and wants to see it solved.”

Willis says the strength of his wife helped him beat the addiction threatening their relationship and his ability to be a father.

In an exclusive interview with the Herald on Sunday, the champion 32-year-old middle distance runner opened up on his obsession with pornography and his shame in dealing with it.

Talking last night, the Rio Olympics-bound runner credited his wife of eight years, Sierra, for beating his dependence.

“Sierra showed a great amount of grace with me,” Willis said.

“We decided to beat it together. We talked openly about the issues of sex trafficking, abuse of women, objectification of women and accessibility of pornography for young people on cell phones.

“Getting this topic out of my secret life into the open, and talking, talking, talking has been the biggest impact in breaking the cycle.”

Willis, a medallist at both Olympic and Commonwealth Games, lives in Michigan with Sierra and their 2-year-old son, Lachlan.

A proud Christian, he recalled the pain coming clean about his addiction had on his loving wife.

“The hurt she felt was something I never wanted to make her experience again,” he said.

“Before I focused on how my addiction affected me, but it wasn’t until I realised the effect it had on others, especially my wife that I committed to change.”

Willis has been porn-free for two-and-a-half years.

This week he marked the milestone by posting on Facebook that his addiction to pornography, which had started as a teen, had been a “rollercoaster ride of shame and justification”.

He told the Herald on Sunday, his addiction began when he was a young, lonely teenager trying to figure out his place in the world.

“I was exposed to magazines and videos at a young age and the objectification of the women on these media forms became an outlet for me to gain some form of intimacy that I severely lacked.”

It took him years to figure out that what he was regarded as “sexy and appealing” was a false reality.

“My understanding of how to form real relationships with the opposite sex became hijacked.”

In fact it wasn’t until Willis was in his early twenties that it dawned on him his attraction to pornography was an addiction.

“I felt convicted about its harmful effects on women, on men and on marriages,” he said.

“Despite my convictions, I kept falling back to my secret life every couple of weeks or months.

“I was counting the days and weeks of how long it had been, so it became clear to me that it was not something I could easily shrug off.”

Now two and a half years on from breaking the cycle, Willis said he felt “amazing”. Referencing the article “What it means to be pro-sex and anti-porn” he shared on Facebook, he took pains to make a distinction between porn and acts of love.

“Porn makes you think you are having sexual needs met. But really, they are hollow and leave you feeling empty and lonelier than before.

“Basically, pornography is a very unnatural (and very temporary) solution that people use to satisfy a natural desire.

“Pornography will not and cannot love you back.”

Getting this topic out of my secret life out into the open, and talking, talking, talking has been the biggest impact in breaking the cycle.”
Willis and his wife decided it was time to make a public stance on the growing problem of easily accessible pornography in our society.

“Sharing a small personal testimony of my journey with pornography was important to give my public stance authenticity and let others know it’s possible to go without.”

Director of the University of Otago’s National Addiction Centre, Professor Doug Sellman, said there was an impression in his field that porn addiction was on the rise due to easily accessed electronic porn.

Sellman said the key to an addict’s recovery was learning new ways of behaving.

“The old patterns will always be there, but the more a person practices the new behaviour it will trump the old addictive responses.

“However, new accountabilities to other people in the person’s life can be very motivating.”

Willis’ decision to go public with his personal experiences was one way of helping him put an end to his addiction, the top athlete said.

He said prior to speaking out he’d spent sleepless nights wrestling with images he couldn’t get out of his head.

“I sleep so well now. The freedom I experience now allows me to walk tall.”

He urged others in the same position to do the same.

“Don’t believe the lie that this is a natural and fine thing for men to participate in. It will affect everything in your life, especially your ability to experience true intimacy.

“Bring your secret life out into the open … say never again and walk away.”

He has now learned pornography is not healthy.

“My eyes have now become truly open to the lies of pornography, that it is a completely fake distortion of sex and women. It is not sexy nor appealing. I am no longer duped by a false reality.”





Terry Crews Confesses His Porn Addiction Ruined his Marriage

25 02 2016

 

Terry and family

Terry Crews with his Wife and their 5 Children

February 18, 2016 (LifeSiteNews) — NFL player-turned screen actor Terry Crews has used his Facebook page to air a five-minute statement about the longtime  addiction to pornography that all but wrecked his marriage and distorted all his relationships. The video has been viewed over 1.7 million times since he posted February 11.

“It changes the way you think about people,” he said during the monologue titled “Dirty Little Secret.” Speaking throughout from the driver’s seat of his car, the  veteran of several NFL teams between 1991 and 1997 and supporting actor in several movies and now the police procedural Brooklyn Nine-Nine, added, “People become objects to be used rather than people to be loved,” and admitted he had to go into “rehab” to deal with the problem.

After seven years in the NFL the onetime courtroom artist went on to an acting career on TV and in film, with his recurring role as the father onEverybody Hates Chris. A Christian himself from a devout family, he married gospel singer Rebecca King and has had four children with her, also raising her stepson from a previous relationship with the whole menage the subject of a briefly-aired reality TV show.

Crews has told his story before, but explains in this video that confession is not only good for the soul, it is a cornerstone of recovery from a wide range of substance and behavioural dependencies, which is the operational truth of the 12-Step movement started by Alcoholics Anonymous.

“By not telling someone [the addiction] becomes powerful. By telling someone it loses its power,” Crews urges. Another bedrock AA belief is that an addict who shares his “experience, strength and hope” with other addicts, helps himself and them recover. For six years now, he continued, “it became my battle” to share his addiction and recovery to encourage others to deal with their own pornography addiction.

He apologizes to those who look at pornography without compulsion and insists he isn’t judging anyone. He invites anyone with any viewpoint to respond but especially those who are addicted, because sharing helps deal with it.

The turning point for him, he indicates, was when his wife found out and said she was leaving. “My wife was like: ‘I don’t know you anymore…[She] could have decided: ‘I’m gone…That would have been it. That was her choice. She didn’t do it. She stayed with me. She knew I was repentant. She knew I was going to get help. She knew I was sorry.”

Crews does not explain the origins of his addiction on the new video but has previously said he turned to pornography at the age of 12 to escape the misery of his abusive family of origin, itself marred by addictions. “It medicated me,” he said, but also transformed him.

In time it almost wrecked his marriage, as he pressured his wife to imitate the sexual scenarios he saw depicted on Internet porn sites by young women, often from impoverished backgrounds, many of them from Eastern Europe being kept in conditions approaching slavery.





How I Lost My Virginity by Coraline Yetunde

9 02 2016

caroline

I started “habitually and compulsively” watching pornography or blue films as it is popularly called and engaging in sex when I stumbled across pornography at 13 years old. At first, I was appalled, but by the time I saw it over and over again, as violent and degrading as it was, I began to see it as love. The two people on the screen are being intimate.  I began to imagine myself in the scene as opposed to standing outside of it looking in.  I was stimulated by the fantasy of being that woman in the video and I began to try out what I watched.

I view online pornography everyday for half an hour or more at a time, and I have done this on multiple occasions and have felt “out of control” with sex, sexting and masturbation. I have had sex with about 57 men and none of my relationship ever lasted for more than a month. Simple things like a guy’s hairy chest or the outline of his trousers can trigger intense sexual desires in my head and at times masturbate five or six times a day. It is that bad.  I am 43 and unmarried and I really don’t know who will marry me. I have had four abortions and I have had to treat myself  5 times for severe sexual transmitted disease.

All in all, I suffer severe depression and know I would have remained a virgin till marriage but for the availability of online pornography. Pornography has almost ruined my life and yet it is everywhere. It used to be sold discreetly behind the counter or some obscure bookshops, now, millions of websites are offering the most depraved hardcore graphic and lurid sex scenes a click away on any smartphone with internet connection bringing in its wake an unprecedented obsession with sex building up some brutal and unattainable sexual desires which guarantee that they easily succumb any temptation to have sex with almost anybody. Actually, if you are watching pornography, you don’t need a guy to tempt you into having sex. You are practically going to be begging for it.

I recently came across the video of Oghosa Ovienrioba Speaks on how she got addicted to porn at 14 and her work helping others to kick the habit.

She says, “Lots of people don’t think girls can suffer a porn addiction but it’s a problem for both sexes. I hope I can help others out there – talking about your problem is the first step.’

‘I was 14 years old when I went to find porn on the internet. It was out of curiosity and it was just a simple Google search for me to get hold of an adult movie.‘When I first watched it, my reaction was shock. But gradually over time, that shock becomes excitement and I would use any porn that I could get my hands on.’

‘I was watching it so much that I started to get bored by the “normal” soft porn movies.

‘I wasn’t getting the buzz that I felt when I first saw it – in fact I was almost desensitized to that content.

‘I went from watching soft pornography to dodgier stuff to get the kick I needed.’

‘For a period of two to three years, I was watching porn on a daily basis and sometimes masturbating over six times per day. It was all I could think about.’

‘I didn’t see people as people anymore – they were just sex objects to me.

‘The simplest things could set me off such as a girl unbuttoning her blouse or a boy taking his top off. Everything made me want more.

‘I would sit in my room alone for hours, with the lights off, watching porn. I felt lonely and ashamed of myself.’

Please watch her talk about her porn addiction in the 10 min video below

It is not just her, many guys wish they could stop right now but the urge to watch porn and masturbate are just too much for them Read

To understand harm watching pornography does to your brain, please download and read the Porn Circuit

Although much attention is focused on helping men break free from pornography addictions, ministries are rising up to help women find deliverance from this bondage. Beggar’s Daughter, Bethesda Workshops and Dirty Girls Ministries, among others, are offering God’s grace to women trapped in sexual sin. If you or a woman you know is addicted to pornography, I urge you to seek help.





VIDEO Fighting the New Drug (2’25”)

22 11 2013


We need to talk about pornography. Wait, don’t go. This is important. You see, pornography affects all of us.
It’s not a question of if you get exposed, but when. So what, right? Some people say it’s not a big deal.
They’re wrong. Viewing pornography changes your brain. That’s right, it actually CHANGES YOUR BRAIN.
When you see pornography your brain is over-exposed with chemicals, the same chemicals that are released with hard drugs. They make you come back for more. Overtime your brain starts to rewire itself.
And it doesn’t take long until you crave it. You have to see more. You’re addicted.

And that ADDICTION takes over your life. It takes you away from your friends, your family, everything you love.
Addiction doesn’t care who you are. It doesn’t think about your future. It just wants to be satisfied.

Now we know what you’re thinking, “It won’t happen to me.” Maybe you’re right, but what if you’re wrong?
Why take a chance? Get the facts about pornography. Fight the New Drug.

 





Porn destroys Marriages By Peter C. Kleponis

15 10 2013

Porn ruins marriageJoe and Patty came to my office in crisis. Patty had recently discovered Joe viewing internet pornography late at night. A search of the computer’s history revealed chronic use of porn. Joe admitted he had a problem with Internet pornography and vowed to get help. He was truly sorry for hurting Patty, but he could not understand why she was so upset about it. Joe couldn’t understand why she had so much difficulty forgiving him and moving on with their relationship. What Joe didn’t understand is how pornography affects wives.

Impact on Wives

For many women, discovering that their husbands have been viewing pornography is similar to uncovering an extramarital affair. As a result, they experience a variety of emotions: anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and rejection. They believe their husbands would rather be with the women they view in pornography rather than their wives. Often they feel that they have been replaced by a computer image. The woman on the computer screen is “the other woman.” Because of this, many women are devastated whey they discover their husbands have been looking at porn.

For many wives, their husbands’ use of pornography is a violation of marital trust. When a man and woman marry, they vow to love, honor and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. Viewing pornography is akin to breaking these vows because they are in no way a sign of a man’s love, honor and respect for his wife. For these women, the men they married all of a sudden seem like strangers. Many feel like a fool for ever having trusted their husbands. For some women, the violation of trust is so deep that they question if they can go on with their marriage. While they might be able to forgive their husbands, rebuilding trust can be extremely difficult.

Pornography invading the home can also lead a wife to feel old, unattractive and sexually undesirable. It’s no secret that most of the women in pornography are just over 18 years of age. Furthermore, thanks to plastic surgery, makeup and digital photographic enhancement, most of the women in pornography do not exist in real life. They are too “perfect.” A wife in her mid-thirties, who has had a few children, might be very beautiful; however, she does not look like a 19 year old. Because of this, she may think, “How can I compete with the young girls in porn?” This can lead her to feel ugly, undesirable and rejected by her husband. This is further compounded by the effects pornography can have on a man’s sexual performance. A man who is addicted to pornography can become so accustomed to being sexually aroused by the “perfect” women in pornography that he can eventually find it difficult to perform sexually with his own wife.

Impact on Husbands

Studies have shown that men crave respect from their wives more than love. Pornography robs men of this basic need. Pornography use almost always leads women to lose respect for her husbands. They also begin to view their husbands as poor role models for their children. This adds to the lack of respect. This can be very painful for women because it inhibits their ability to love, honor and respect their husbands. Men were created to be the leaders, providers and protectors of their wives and families. Pornography prevents men from being able to fulfill these roles because it leads a man to isolate himself and neglect his wife and children. This deepens the trust wound in the marriage.

In addition to the emotional effects that pornography has on wives and marriages, it can also have physical ramifications. When a man becomes addicted to pornography, he eventually develops a tolerance to it. What was once sexually arousing becomes boring and uninteresting. Thus, he can go from viewing soft porn to hardcore porn. After a while, even this is not enough. He may develop a desire to perform the sexual acts he has seen in pornography. This can lead to using prostitutes and engaging in anonymous sex. With this comes the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases.

With one couple I treated, the wife found out about her husband’s pornography/sex addiction from her physician. She had gone to her gynecologist for her annual examination and was informed that she had a sexually transmitted disease. She had gotten it from her husband who had been frequenting prostitutes. Since she had always been faithful to her husband, she knew she caught the disease from him. After confronting him, he confessed. One can hardly imaging the devastation this couple felt. Although this couple loved each other dearly and were committed to mending their marriage, it took months of therapy to work on forgiveness and rebuilding trust.

Fortunately, most couples are not like the one just described. Most are like Joe and Patty. When people think of addiction recovery, they often envision the addict attending 12-step group meetings and individual therapy sessions. While these are needed for recovery, marital therapy is also needed to heal the deep wounds inflicted on the marital relationship.

Moving Toward Healing

In all cases, wives need to learn how to forgive their husbands. This comes by understanding the deep emotional wounds that lead a man into pornography addiction. When one understands that addictive behaviors are often symptoms of deeper wounds, it becomes easier to have compassion and forgive. Trust also has to be rebuilt in the marriage. This comes from the husband taking responsibility for his recovery and proving his trustworthiness to his wife. As forgiveness and trust grow, the couple experiences healing in their relationship. Thus, addiction recovery is not just for the addict, it involves spouses and families too.

Couples need to realize that even the most devastating situations can lead to greater love, trust an intimacy in a marriage. There is always hope. However, it starts by husbands understanding how their pornography use affects their wives and marriage. It is my hope that this understanding will prevent men from viewing pornography as well as help heal marriages that have been damaged by pornography use. Please read the Porn Circuit for more information on pornography addiction

. . . .

Peter C. Kleponis is a Licensed Clinical Therapist.
From http://www.covenanteyes.com





Porno is as Addictive as Drug and Alcohol : New Cambridge studies

8 10 2013

Watching porno

Recent Cambridge study showing identical brain activity in addicts to pornography, drugs and alcohol is “spot on.”
According to The Sunday Times of Sept. 22, neuropsychiatrists at Cambridge found that the portion of the brain stimulated in drug and alcohol addicts lights up in the same way as it does for porn addicts viewing explicit materials. The brains of those who are not in the habit of using porn did not react in the same manner to the same materials.

“That kind of brain research is spot-on, and there have been a number of different approaches and studies that have said the same thing,” said Bruce Hannemann, co-founder of Elizabeth Ministry International and its program Reclaim Sexual Health.

“It doesn’t surprise me at all that more and more, people are finding out that there are patterns of addictions that are similar across the board,” he told CNA Sept. 25.

Hannemann, a retired chemistry professor, said that “whatever you have as a thought in your mind, actually changes the chemistry of your brain.”

Reclaim Sexual Health is an online recovery program that helps those addicted to, or in the habit of, unhealthy sexual behaviors. It utilizes the neuroscience of addiction to allow users to ‘re-program’ the chemical pathways in the brain which result in, and subsequently foster, sexual addictions.

The program is based on the knowledge that “the brain truly changes with every thought that we have,” and was developed by a team which included neuroscientists, therapists, neuropsychologists, cognitive- behavioral scientists, and professional trainers.

Hannemann likened Reclaim to a “gym” for the brain, as it is a series of exercises which is meant to “re-train, re-wire your thought processes.” The exercises help people to “unlearn that (poor) habit, and how to re-learn healthy habits, in terms of their sexuality and relationships with other people; it’s really a very comprehensive exercise program, and it has to be worked as an exercise program.”

“It all fits the pattern of what we would expect to have happen in human anthropology,” Hannemann explained, and indeed the pattern of breaking a vice by educating one’s self about the good and habitually acting towards that good – developing the corresponding virtue – fits the description of vice and virtue described by Aristotle more than 300 years prior to Christ.

“It’s our choice to put our brain cells to use to follow our old habits, or to wire them into new behaviors and habits, and really re-learn our lifestyle,” said Hannemann.

He said the mind “is really capable of telling the brain what to tell your body to do,” but that in the case of addictions, “your brain has become so habituated … that it starts to function on such an automatic level that you kind of take your mind out of the picture.”

When a pornography addict is presented with explicit materials, chemical signals from the senses “go directly to the brain’s pleasure center and call up dopamine … without being processed by the mind any more.”

Reclaim’s exercises are meant to re-train the brain so that the physical reaction to seeing provocative material will no longer be something that happens in the person, but can come under the person’s control and be a personal act – a chosen act that can be controlled, rather than an automatic something-that-happens.

“It doesn’t matter how hopelessly involved someone is with porn, and masturbation: if they start practicing putting their mind into the proper decisions and context, the brain chemistry will follow, because the mind controls the brain – you habituate yourself to a holy lifestyle,” Hannemann said.

Reclaim is a Catholic re-brand of another secular program, which was requested by Bishop David Ricken of Green Bay. Hannemann related that shortly after Bishop Ricken’s appointment to Green Bay in 2008, he called the Elizabeth Ministry into his office and directed them to develop programs to deal with human sexuality and to start with pornography, as it as one of the biggest detriments to family life.

When Reclaim was launched in May 2012, Bishop Ricken sent letters to his fellow American bishops “telling them about this program and endorsing it; he’s been a very strong backer.”

Hannemann described Bishop Ricken as “a man of action. He doesn’t like to sit around, he likes to get things done.”

The program of exercises, which is recommended to be followed for at least six months, includes video training, a calendar to track progress, a forum, an online journal, assessments, and a personal trainer, all of which are used anonymously. The program is $49 a month, but if users commit to staying for six months and pay up-front, they are given a discount worth one month’s use.

“In terms of what we’ve seen out there in healthy and unhealthy behaviors, we know this is working, really making a difference in people’s lives,” Hannemann said. “If they follow the prescription, the program, and make the necessary changes, it will change their life.”

He recommended using the program in concert with prayer and the Sacraments, but stressed that if people use only prayer and the Sacraments, if they are in the state of a sexual addiction, they will often be unsuccessful.

“That’s why were so excited about this – we have one more thing we can give them, some tools to work on the biology and biochemistry, as well as the theology, and that’s where the real success lies, I think. We have a real integrated approach here.”

Pornography addiction is not only a problem among adults, Hannemann noted, an observation that has been made increasingly by scholars and other authorities as well.

The British government intends to filter pornography off of internet connections by default, to “protect our children and their innocence,” prime minister David Cameron said in July.

And a Sept. 25 report by the Daily Mail records the shock of a former soft core pornography magazine editor at finding how much, and how graphic, pornography 13 and 14 year-old children have been exposed to through the internet.

Hannemann said that Reclaim has received many requests for help from youth – children in middle school and high school – who realize they need help with a burgeoning addiction to pornography.

“They’re begging us for help.”

He noted that Reclaim hopes to develop a program “that would be available for teens, that would be completely free to them, anonymous, that they could work on doing the brain chemistry and changing their behaviors, but not have to spend the money they don’t have.”

“That’s our biggest project right now,” he said, and Reclaim is currently trying to raise funds to produce such a program for teens.
Carl Bunderson (CNA/EWTN News)

Need help to overcome porn addiction?  Please read the Porn Circuit








%d bloggers like this: